frustration abounds

AAHHHHH!!!!!! That's it. That's all I feel like screaming. The heart inside my chest feels as though it is being ripped right out. Someone has crushed through my ribs, grabbed hold of my heart, crushed it, and pulled it out. Of course that was only after kneeing me in the gut, pushing me over and repeatedly kicking me in the stomach while I lay there helpless. What makes this even worse is that it was done by a friend. This friend that I roomed with in college for 2 1/2 years. We even stayed together over part of a summer in Moberly. We told each other everything: dark secrets from our past, things that were bugging the crap out of us presently, our hopes and dreams, and the wonderful things that we have experienced. This man was my best friend. Sure we had our hard times, times where we would get upset with each other. One of us would do or say something stupid and that would cause some tension between us, but that is what happens in friendships, especially when you allow someone to get that close. But this... now... this is almost more than I can handle. I will go on with life, forgetting about how pressing of a matter it is, and then: WHAM! The memory hits me again and I am left on the ground in the fetal position, tears staining my face as I cry out to God. What happened? How did you get to this place in your life? Why can I not see the friendship repairing and you seeing what you are doing to your life?

You see, some of you (if anyone actually ever reads this lol) will not understand, but one of my friends has just recently decided he is gay. Not only has he decided he is gay but he continues to believe he is doing nothing wrong under the Christian world view. I have always known he has struggled with his sexuality. That is nothing new. I mean if I had the life he had, and dealt with the crap he has had to deal with, I would have struggled with my sexuality too (not that he will admit it now). He would share with me late at night about the struggle he was having with his flesh. The struggle to fight the strange urges he would have. He would weep over how difficult life would be at times, he would binge because life was so difficult. It was hard to see him like that, but I tried to be there, as much as he would let me. Sometimes he would pull away and would no longer talk with me. It hurt, but I understood. I tried to be there for him whenever he needed it. But now... now he is saying that he never even struggled at all. Now he is saying that he has always been the man he is. He is claiming that he lied to me those late nights as he cried and poured himself out to me! Not that I believe him. But it hurts to know that he is trying to take all of that back. To say that the very foundation of our friendship never even existed. That's just a kick in the place where you don't kick. He says he has always known he was gay, and although he really doesn't have Scripture to back up his point, he refuses to see his error. Romans 1:26-27 clearly does not deal with just having sex outside of marriage but he so desperately wants it to, that he has convinced himself that is what it means. He has given up the fight and has replaced it with what feels good. He has given up the marvelous light for the darkness. I am not one to say whether someone is a Christian or not, that is not my call. I will say that it is a dangerous place to be, to just throw Scripture out the door and believe what you want to instead of looking at the truth it reveals.

This situation has made me look into my own life. I never want to find myself living one way when Scripture is clearly telling me to live another. I never want for someone to point out the Truth of the Word of God and for me to turn my back and say "yeah well that's what you believe but I'm still going to live this way anyway." What a dangerous place to be. May God allow me to live in the light of His Word. May God expose my sin so that I do not live in it. We cannot live both in the darkness and the light. We cannot serve two masters. We cannot have two identities. Gay and Christian are two complete identities, eventually one will win out. Murderer and Christian are separate, Liar and Christian, anything that identifies us apart from Christ will separate us from Him.